For the right person, she was willing to move. Of course, when she met my dad, that changed. She was one of the few who wasn't fussed she felt she'd be just as happy continuing to live in India. Around the time my mother was getting married, many people her age were talking about wanting to move to the US. Whether the relationship is arranged or not, fostering individual relationships with the people your partner cares about helps strengthen your relationship.Ĭompatibility includes not only what you value, but also what you want. The fact that my mom got along well with my dad's cousin was a good sign my mom connected more with the rest of my dad's family after the marriage, even though my dad had to go back to the US. Further, getting along with the people your partner cares about most is important in any long term relationship. Those who know you best are more likely to have a sense of who you would get along with, whether they're related to you or not. This is reinforced by the fact that India is a more collectivist culture, and thus it is thought that your family knows you better than anyone else. Because their families had similar values, they were each instilled with similar values. They would have been far less compatible with people who were more focused on material wealth, or spiritual minimalism.
My parents both grew up valuing learning and knowledge.
Traditionally, this focused a lot on social standing and religion, because of the idea that families of the same groups will raise their children similarly, and have similar values. In India, marriage is arranged through the social network of the parents. One of the values that my mom spoke to me about more explicitly is that of cultural compatibility. The fact that my dad's cousin met my mother and immediately thought of my father points at another way arranged marriages affect the culture: people are always on the lookout for a good match. My mother had, at that point, not dated at all, despite being in graduate school it is normal for young people in India to feel marriage is not something they have to worry too much about because they trust their families will find someone good for them. In the case of my parents, my dad's cousin (who he was very close with) met my mother and thought they would be a good match due to compatible philosophical interests and tastes in literature. In some cases, young people will date and fall in love, and the parents will meet after and decide to "arrange" the marriage if all parties agree to it. On the more liberal end, a couple may go on many dates before agreeing. They later tell their parents if they agree to the marriage or not. On the more traditional end, families may set up a "bride viewing", which today functions like a first meeting where the parents introduce each half of the couple, then leave them alone to get to know each other. Most arranged marriages today function a little more like a blind date, but with your parents and their network finding you a match rather than your friends. For background, I'll start with telling you what arranged marriage is actually like.Īlthough some parts of India still do the traditional "bride and groom don't meet until the wedding", these tend to be remote and rural parts. I found that much of this is less commonly talked about when it comes to Western dating, and so I want to share their story and what I learned from it with you. Growing up hearing their story taught me a lot about what was important to know about myself before I started dating anyone, and how a good couple functions and grows together. I've heard people assume that my parents' arranged marriage meant they were completely unable to help or give advice when it came to my dating life, and I've found the opposite to be the case the advice my parents gave me about dating was as valuable as anything I found anywhere else, and allowed me to pass that advice on to my friends. Most people have the wrong idea of exactly what that looks like, and those who do have the right idea often wonder if my parents can even understand what dating is like, given they've never experienced it. When I tell people my parents had an arranged marriage, I get a number of different reactions.
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